i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
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[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
I can’t stop laughing at this
This did not end as expected.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?