50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
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if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
When I laugh on my period