Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
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Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
The best shot in the history of golf
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing