I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
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her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.