My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
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The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.