[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
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So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist