Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
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Hit me in the face with a bird
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head