Krampus.
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9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
I think about this a lot
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.