Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
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me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.