restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
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My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake