Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
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remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
🙂🐾
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Ladies, why y’all do this?
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan