My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
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“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?