I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
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[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
two people or more is called a problem
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
I am patiently waiting for your email
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
A completely valid reaction tbh
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??