Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
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Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]