inside you are two wolves
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People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
the way this pissed me off… 😭
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*