I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
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[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
can’t catch a break
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping