My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
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Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.