why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
You Might Also Like
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe