The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
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Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I love it all
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”