Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
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I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Safety first
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive