*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
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if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Watson was Holmes schooled
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.