On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
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Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…