how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
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*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’