Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
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It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight