Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
You Might Also Like
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”