A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
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The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?