*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
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Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.