“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
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Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”