ok hear me out: Luigiana
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Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.