My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
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My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.