I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
You Might Also Like
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.