Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
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“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together