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Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies