During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
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I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank