Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
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We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
pep talk
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”