Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
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[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.