Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
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The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
#SCOTUS one-star review
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Mouse
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.