We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
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The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
me when I see my crush
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Free him