People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
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According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Fluff me with a fork baby
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Autocorrect completely socks
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job