Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
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friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
IT’S-A ME,
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.