Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
You Might Also Like
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.