Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
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[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
need him
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.