ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
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Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
⛄️
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”