I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
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sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Body by cheese-puffs.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall