We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
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[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Krampus.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive