I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
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So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me