Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
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Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.