Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
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I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
they finally got him. they got macavity
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument