That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
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HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome