Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
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The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Bring back the McRib
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.